vulnerability assessment
by arborescent
Summary: Anatomic differences and translation difficulties turn a typical movie night into a very... hands-on learning experience for Shepard and Garrus.


**vulnerability assessment**

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Anatomic differences and translation difficulties turn a typical movie night into a very... hands-on learning experience for Shepard and Garrus.

* * *

"Are you _sure_ this is the vid Tali recommended? It's not something you picked on your own?"

Garrus squinted at the screen in front of him and Shepard. They were sprawled together on the sofa in her apartment, watching some new, human-produced vid Tali had recommended the last time she and Shepard had gone for lunch.

"Yes, I'm sure. She sent it directly to my omnitool the other day," Shepard replied, her eyes glued to the screen.

"Huh." Garrus swirled his tumbler before taking a sip of horosk. "I'd expect someone who appreciates the cinematic artistry of Fleet and Flotilla like Tali does to have better taste in vids."

Shepard sighed. "You're _still_ upset I didn't fall madly in love with Bellicus and Shalei the way you did?"

"Not upset, per se. Just... perplexed and mildly disappointed." The turian fluttered his mandibles and Shepard gave his arm a gentle punch in response.

"C'mon, Garrus," Shepard nudged the turian's knee with her own. "This vid's not _too_ bad. At least there's some action." Shepard nodded to the screen, where a male and a female human were locked in a vicious struggle.

Garrus hummed noncommittally. "The fight choreography is decent..."

"Right?"

"...But it pales in comparison to the Fire in the Courtyard scene from Fleet and Flotilla," he finished.

"To you, _every_ film pales in comparison to Fleet and Flotilla," Shepard groaned and took a long draught of her beer. "Just watch the vid, Garrus."

Garrus heaved an exaggerated sigh, but fixed his eyes dutifully on the screen. From what he'd gathered so far, the heroine was trying to exact revenge on an ex-lover for betraying her, and they were finally facing off. In his humble opinion, the plot was dreadfully cliche, but Shepard was right — the action scenes weren't half bad. Garrus watched on as the woman delivered a roundhouse kick to the man's crotch and he collapsed with a moan, curling into fetal position on the pavement. Shepard winced, squeezing her beer bottle in one hand and covering her crotch with the other. "Oogh. That hurt to watch, even without a pair."

Garrus shot her a confused look before turning back to the screen. "How was that different from any other kick?"

"I mean, he got socked in the _balls_, so..."

"...Socks and balls?" Garrus' mandibles flicked in confusion. "You lost me there, Shepard."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. You're male, don't tell me it wouldn't hurt like hell if you got kicked in the crotch."

"Um, maybe if the kick came from a krogan... but then again, a blow from a krogan would hurt like hell no matter where it landed," Garrus laughed.

Shepard set her beer down on the table in front of them and turned to face the turian lounging next to her. "But... isn't your groin more sensitive than the rest of your body? Since it's where your, um, family jewels are?"

Garrus shot his companion a bemused look and placed his glass next to Shepard's beer. "I'm... not sure that translated properly, but I don't have any precious heirloom minerals in or around my groin."

"It's a euphemism, Garrus. For your..." Shepard fought a blush from spreading up her neck. She was an adult, for goodness sake, she could talk about anatomy without going scarlet. "For testicles. Don't you have...?"

Garrus blinked at her. Shepard lost her battle with the blush and she felt her cheeks radiate with heat. Then understanding dawned in Garrus' eyes and his mandibles flared wide. "Shepard, honey, _love_ of my _life,_ turian reproductive organs are protected by plates. Rather thick plates, may I add."

Shepard glowered as Garrus struggled and failed to suppress the laughter in his subharmonics as he continued. "Spirits, you've seen it for yourself. My plates only shift when I'm, ah, aroused, and even then, only my penis is exposed."

"Then an attack aimed at your crotch wouldn't be more effective than one to, say, your chest?"

"No," Garrus answered slowly. "Although I prefer not to be attacked at all."

"So... where are turians especially sensitive?"

Garrus raised his browplates appraisingly. "And you would like to know, why?"

"Um," Shepard's eyes shifted back to the vid. The heroine had gone from fighting her ex tooth and nail to kissing him passionately. "Just a vulnerability assessment. For future reference."

Garrus gave her a sidelong glance before rolling his neck and answering. "Huh, a vulnerability assessment. Of course. Well... spurs are probably the most vulnerable part of a turian's body. They're sensitive and _very_ exposed. Hm... then there's the crevices between the plates, any unprotected hide, the fringe, the mandibles, the rhinion, the —"

"The rhinion?"

Garrus wiggled his nose and pointed to the narrow segment beneath his colony marking. "Right here. Smack any turian's rhinion and you'll have him keening in pain, guaranteed. He'll also have a hard time smelling anything for weeks."

"Really?" Shepard turned to face Garrus again, her mouth pulled down in a thoughtful frown. "The turian nose is that sensitive?"

"Shepard, you're an N7 marine. There's no _way_ they didn't teach you about the rhinion in '101 Ways to Incapacitate a Turian' or some training course like that."

"No, actually, they didn't," she said slowly before breaking into a smile. "But I think the Alliance'll be renaming the course to '102 Ways to Incapacitate a Turian' soon enough."

Garrus groaned. "Hey, hey, I told you this in confidence. Don't go spilling turian state secrets to the Alliance."

"Hmm. Any other weak spots you wanna tell me about?" Shepard slid closer to Garrus, nestling her head against his cowl. His arm curled around her and he leaned down until his mouth was pressed against her ginger hair.

"Nice try, Shepard. But I've got a better idea. Why don't I... show you some turian weak spots? Give you some... hands-on experience."

Shepard smirked and twisted from under Garrus' arm before rolling over to straddle him. Her hands trailed down his chest to settle on his slender waist as his hands found her own. Garrus returned the smirk and stared at the redhead in his lap with darkening azure eyes. "And maybe I'll run some... vulnerability assessments of my own."

Shepard leaned in close, gaze smoldering, and whispered in his ear. "You're on, Vakarian."

She pushed him down, then. Her parted lips found his unplated neck, his hands slipped under her tight, thin shirt. Blunted talons traced Shepard's gentle contours, trailing down her supple skin and leaving goosebumps in their wake. As Shepard ran her tongue over the textured ridge on his neck where plates met hide, Garrus purred, throaty and deep, into her shoulder, and Shepard shivered as she felt their bodies thrum with his subharmonics.

"_Spirits_, that feels..." Garrus flattened his hands beneath her breasts, extending his thumbs to massage her nipples and eliciting a breathy moan. "Remember that spot, Shepard... for — _ah —_ future reference."

Shepard grinned into his neck and nipped, teasing another throaty purr from the turian beneath her.

"Mmm...Vulnerability identified, sir."

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a/n: Sorry if it seems to end abruptly but I don't write smut so this is the farthest it's gonna go. :')

This very self-indulgent ficlet all started because I wanted to use the phrase "vulnerability assessment" in a story.

Originally I was going to write a four-parter fic, where Shepard essentially performs a vulnerability assessment as she's getting to know her team and coming to trust and love Garrus. Each chapter title would be steps of a vulnerability assessment like "Step 1: Cataloging assets and capabilities (resources) in a system.," but I didn't have any ideas for the contents of the chapter themselves, so I made some fluff instead and entertained some headcanons in the process.

In the end, I kinda used the phrase incorrectly but... oh well. It was fun to write a bit of mindless Shakarian banter.

As always, please fave, follow, and drop a review if you enjoyed this fic. **This was my first time writing Shakarian, so let me know how I did and how I can improve!**


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